Prince William’s dad-dancing to Taylor Swift was a joy to behold. My version? Standing still | Tim Dowling

Wellor men of sufficient age and experience, the secret to dancing like nobody’s watching is simple: make sure nobody’s watching. Lock the doors, draw the curtains, put black tape over all the webcams in your house, and move on. I was going to add that you should only dance anywhere you’re also happy to show up naked, until I thought of the showers and saunas. Obviously don’t dance in any of them.

Prince William had no such security over the weekend when he was spotted – and also filmed – dancing to Taylor Swift at Wembley Stadium on his 42nd birthday, in a blue jacket, high up on the balcony of some hotel suite. It’s amazing to me that places this expensive don’t come with one-way privacy screens, but apparently they don’t.

If you want to help the middle-aged dad in your life learn to dance like nobody’s watching, the advice is also simple: pretend you didn’t see anything. Don’t comment on his flailing arms or major rhythm issues. Don’t take a picture of it on your phone. Above all, don’t share impressions of his dancing at breakfast the next morning. In my experience, no one has ever heeded this advice.

To be fair to the Prince of Wales, I think he almost got away with it. The clip was mercifully short, the dancing was stupidly wild, and the commentary was mostly gentle. The secret to this kind of successful dad dance is sly, stealthy self-awareness: dance like everyone’s watching, and lean into the comic silliness of it. But it’s easy to forget this strategy and go serious.

I can’t remember the last time I danced in public – I would have been very drunk – but I can remember the last time I didn’t. They invited me to see Abba Voyage – this show featuring Abba’s amazingly lifelike avatars performing a series of timeless, rocking, pop hits. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and remained fairly static throughout. I might have nodded my head a little, but not in time with the music – just in approval as I thought: great job, everyone involved.

It’s not that I can’t dance. When I was little, some seekers came to our town and managed to convince all the parents that what their children really needed to get ahead in life were ballroom dancing lessons. Almost everyone in my year enrolled immediately. As a result, I am well trained in the Waltz, Foxtrot, Cha Cha and Latin Hustle. But as you get older, you tend to gravitate towards the things you’re really good at, and I’m good at standing still. Would I be able to resist the urge to dance even when Taylor Swift tuned in live to Shake It Off at Wembley? I like to think so.

If it makes me look grumpy, I can live with that. I am reserved and uncomfortable in the face of almost any social activity. Why make an exception for dancing?

In saying that, I do make some exceptions, even at my age. I can sing like nobody’s listening because I don’t care if my best isn’t good enough and I also don’t care if you care. And every once in a while, when I’m in the mood, I cook like nobody’s going to eat afterwards. If you don’t like it, order takeout and stop raining on my parade.

• Tim Dowling is a columnist for the Guardian

• Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section please Press here.