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The question I’m at my wits end. I am a 50-year-old gay man in a happy, long-term relationship. But I fell in love with a married heterosexual man 10 years younger than me. He is a new colleague at work. We get along well and have built a friendly working relationship, but my feelings for him have grown deeper – and it’s agony.
I’m not an idiot. He is married with young children and I know nothing will happen. I don’t think I would even want him, but I just can’t stop the intensity of my feelings for him. He is a kind, considerate person, which somehow makes it worse. I couldn’t stand it if he found out that I secretly harbored lustful or amorous feelings for him.
It’s not the first time I’ve done it. There have been others over the years that I’ve secretly fallen for, so I guess it’s a bit of a pattern. The first time was when I was at school at 14. I fell in love with a friend and my feelings were so strong that I couldn’t tell anyone, not even him. I couldn’t even admit I was gay at that age. This current crush feels so bad. I know it sounds pathetic, but I feel absolutely heartbroken by this. I would like to be friends but how do I stop feeling jealous when he talks and laughs with others? How can I stop having these strong feelings?
Philippa’s answer One thing you might want to consider is exploring the underlying reasons why you tend to develop these strong crushes on unavailable people. This seems to be a pattern for you since childhood, so understanding the roots of this behavior can help you gain insight into your psyche. And insight can lead to healing. I’ll suggest a few reasons that might be why, in case any of them appeal to you.
It is possible that somewhere in early childhood you got confused between longing, which is agony, and love, which is bliss, or at least comfort. It sounds like you’ve had intermittent limerence your whole life. Limerence is a term coined by Dorothy Tenov in 1979. This is when otherwise healthy individuals find themselves monomaniacal about another person, which they may not have expected to happen, and when they recover from the experience, their lives go back to normal… until next time. The experience is different from ordinary sexual desire – it is more obsessive.
Remember, this is not true love. It could be a hangover from how you learned to bond and connect with others when you were a baby or toddler. Since you are in a good long-term relationship, you should also have learned how to have healthy attachments. But it’s like there was someone you once wanted that you couldn’t have, maybe a nanny or caregiver who left, or maybe a neglectful parent. You may project your own overflows onto your “love” object, as if he and all previous objects that caused you to become obsessed are not just people, but gods on a pedestal, and they stand in for a person from your past. Essentially, there may be unfinished business from your childhood or early childhood that you are trying to finish in the present, longing for something unattainable. Maybe your psyche is telling you, maybe I’ll win this time – even though your logical self knows that would be disastrous.
In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve noticed that we humans are vulnerable to obsessions and fixations when we want to distract ourselves from a deeper problem that we can’t bear to think about. This could be not facing a heavy loss in your life or a loss that is likely to happen soon, or it could be that you need to feel a deeper connection with yourself and it just seems easier to long for a deeper connection with an unattainable other. If there’s something you’re not dealing with, name it and face it – it won’t be as bad as you think.
When you can create a narrative, it will be easier to separate your essential self from your obsession. You do this by observing the intrusive thoughts and feelings, explaining them to yourself, but not creature them. You sound very alone with these feelings. It’s understandable if you don’t want to upset your partner or friends with them, but consider seeing a therapist. Secrecy can encourage remnants to smolder instead of fade, and I believe you need to talk about that.
You are not an idiot, nor are you pathetic. Many people, men and women of all sexual orientations, suffer from limerence. It will probably fade, but more than that, and with the right help, it can be managed so that it loses its hold over you. Recovery from limerence is a process I have had the privilege of witnessing several times.
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Recommended reading: Living with Limerence by Dr. L and How to stay healthy from me that has helpful exercises to help you train your mind and control your feelings so that you can control them instead of them controlling you.
Each week Philippa Perry examines a personal issue submitted by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Shipments are subject to our terms and conditions
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